Let Nothing Come Between You and Your Spouse

When we were dating, we were spending time with Ryan's much younger siblings. One of them plunked down on the couch right between us. I signaled to Ryan with a 3-2-1 countdown that we'd tickle the particular sibling at the same time. We managed and with indignation the sibling hopped up and never tried to sit between us again. Our children are quite used to this ritual. They know even if they were there first and one parent ends up on each side of them that they better jump up quickly and find another seat or they'll be tickled. This is a fun way for us to illustrate never letting anyone or anything come between you and your spouse.

Determine that nothing will ever come between you and your spouse to disrupt your marriage. Resolve to make your marriage succeed, in spite of challenges that may arise. --
True to the Faith Manual

Expectations

Expectations Quiz
from the Utah Marriage Handbook

4 True or False Questions:
1. Because we are in love we should never disagree.
2. My spouse should know what I'm thinking and feeling without my having to say it.
3. My spouse will never change (for the better or for the worse).
4. I will always feel those exciting, passionate feelings for my spouse.

Okay did you answer true or false for each one? To check the answers continue reading.

Exercise towards a Stronger Marriage

Why not do something active together for your next date?
We tried this last week and love it. We played some basketball together.
We enjoy from time to time: snowshoeing, sledding, ice skating, basketball, chasing kids, workouts, gardening, dancing, hiking, taking long walks, etc.
There's an article that suggests that exercising together improves your marriage.

Exercise Toward a Stronger Marriage

This article is pretty awesome written by a Canadian Group. It describes the benefits of exercising together as a couple. Four of the big benefits of this are:

Creating Memories Together
Making and Achieving Goals Together
Being Happier Together
Encouraging Each Other

Why not try it? Who doesn't need a little more great memories and happiness?
Do something active together this week.

Scriptural Passages for Marriage Relationships

Serving your partner with everything you've got is the ideal and worth trying to achieve. If you're not sure how important service can be in your marriage, just ask your partner once a day: What can I do for you today to help you feel loved? They'll probably have an answer.

http://www.themissionofmoms.com/2011/04/encourage-your-missionary-son-or.html?m=1

 

 

#LDSface2face with Elder Holland

At a recent devotional a leader, Elder Holland, suggested taking this scripture passage which is about missionary work and change it to being about marriage. I think it's a good fit. Let's check:


"Therefore, O ye that embark in ...marriage..., see that ye serve...your spouse... with all your heart, might, mind and strength.
And faith, hope, charity and love; qualify him for this...marriage.
Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence.
...When you don't know how to work with your spouse...Pray.
--Doctrine and Covenants Section 4

Well, I'd say it works. Patience and humility are huge factors in a successful marriage. After all we want them to be patient when we aren't at our best. We also hope that they'll be humble when we want them to change something so we should be humble too. Knowledge as a virtue for a good marriage is taking me a minute to put my finger on. It would be helpful for each person to learn new things each day, so that there's something new to talk about together. It's certainly helpful to learn new things to make daily living skills easier(house cleaning, cooking, organizing, child raising etc).  Temperance(I had to look it up), is restraining from alcohol or eating and drinking too much. So, temperance would make you healthier and more attractive. Everybody wants that for their spouse. Diligence just reminds me to keep at it. Doing one day of any of these character traits is nice, but it won't make a huge difference in the end. Working on these character traits consistently will be rewarding for your marriage. Virtue is a must for a marriage to work - what's the point of a marriage without virtue and staying faithful to each other physically?

Do you think it works as a scripture that's helpful for marriage?

None of us marry perfection, we marry potential II

Meeting the Challenges of Today's Worldby Elder Robert D. Hales

"None of us marry perfection; we marry potential. The right marriage is not only about what I want; it’s also about what she—who’s going to be my companion—wants and needs me to be."

This is love, the real kind of love. Make your partner's needs become your own needs. In the ideal marriage this goes both ways. It's not something we think about much these days. 

Remember that moment when you were little and found a person's wallet. It had a $20 bill in it. You took it to the principal's office. The owner was found and so happy that they gave you $10 back. Then, you both had a great day because of it. Okay, I don't remember that happening to me either. But, I'm sure it has happened to somebody. I know I've done similar things though and they have worked out for the benefit of both people involved.

Well, that's what this ideal marriage is supposed to be like. You find out your spouse has lost his wallet. You first feel like yelling at your spouse for being so irresponsible (I mean the credit cards to your own bank account were in that wallet after all). Then, you remember a time when you left your keys in the car of a busy parking lot. You calm down and don't say anything just then. You look and look and look for the lost wallet, maybe it'll be easy to find. Meanwhile you get ready to cancel the credit cards if you can't find it quickly. Then, you find the wallet in the fridge behind the lettuce. So, do you take advantage and rub it in that your spouse is always losing things and you're always finding them. Or do you take the higher road and hand it to them with a smile. Well, you remember those keys left in the car again, and you smile when you hand it to them. Everybody is happy. The day goes on, you don't have to call the bank. The best part you kept your cool, so there's no hard feelings. 

Imagine if every confrontation was handled with the other person's needs in mind. Marriage could be blissful.

Start small today. When your spouse does the next thing you don't like, or when your about to do something your spouse hates - think twice, save a marriage. Be the companion your spouse want and needs you to be. 

Fighting vs Discussing

Fighting in marriage leads to a couple growing further apart and resisting each other. Fighting does NOT usually resolve the issue at hand. Discussing in marriage, if done sensitively, can bring the couple closer together AND solve the problem they are facing.

For example, Ryan and I used to completely disagree on camping. Whenever we even thought about camping, we'd get upset. We were coming from opposing ideas on every aspect of camping. So, our discussions about camping sometimes turned to fights. The successful conversations about camping included a few key elements.

 First, express love for each other. "You are worth it. I love you. I want to be with you, even if it means camping together".

 Second, discuss the importance of the issue. "Camping could be a really great thing for us and our family. It is worth trying to figure out a compromise, so that we can enjoy this activity together".

Third, several short discussions are key. We had tons of short discussions, where we'd just cover one aspect of camping. We'd reach a conclusion or not and end before we got upset. "My favorite part of camping is using a campfire". "I want to spend lots of time around the campfire too." "Great we'll buy wood next trip". "Let's start thinking of food to cook over the campfire". That's it, short and sweet. Another discussion can add more details. If you've spent a little while on a conversation and didn't get anywhere, don't worry just say, "let's talk about this later. Not never, just later". Schedule the conversation if you need to.

The Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Ryan adores this book because of the practical advice inside.

The point of the book is to help couples identify what makes them feel loved, and puts it in terms of language and learning to speak foreign languages. People often show love in the way they want to receive it (their "native" love language), or in the way their parents showed it. Unfortunately, your spouse may not natively recognize those acts as signs of love because she speaks a different native love language; she may even feel unloved while a confused mate continues showering unappreciated love on them using a language she doesn't understand. In effect, most people appreciate acts of love that align with their native language in a way that nothing else can match, and feel an emptiness no other acts can fill when those acts are withheld.

Mr Chapman is very bold in stating repeatedly that if you are not good at showing love the way your spouse appreciates, then it's time to learn their language. Like any second language, this can feel unnatural and awkward at first, but learning their Love Language can have huge benefits. It can enrich even a healthy relationship, and for couples that struggle it can be a quick fix to saving a marriage---he shared tons of examples of relationships literally turning around overnight after one spouse or the other had an "a-hah!" moment.

The Five Love Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation (esp. speaking kindly and reassuringly)
• Receiving Gifts (no need for $$$, it's the thought that counts)
• Quality Time (talking together, sharing hobbies, etc.)
• Acts of Service (doing thoughtful things for them, taking their load off)
• Physical Touch (sex doesn't count; try a hug, holding hands, or stroking hair)

Learn to speak your spouse's love language...

Mr. Chapman suggests three ways to determine your spouse's love language: First, watch for (or think back) to loving acts that seem to resonate especially strongly with him or her. You could even try one of each and see which one(s) seem to generate the most positive response. Second, watch for (or remember) the things your spouse complains the most about, his pet peeves, or the unkind acts that are most distressing to her. Hurtful words are especially devastating to someone whose language is Words of Affirmation, and night after night of TV or video games says "I don't love you" to a spouse who values Quality Time.  Finally, listen to your spouse when he or she asks or demands things. It may be an act of desperation on their part, a not-so-subtle plea for you to show love in the specific way that will make them feel cherished.
 ...and learn to receive love the way your spouse is comfortable sharing it.

Today I realized that in addition to learning your spouse's preferred way to receive love, you can learn to feel loved by the love language your spouse is best at giving. For example if you feel loved by spending quality time together, but your spouse is good at saying kind things to you, all is not lost. Sure, your spouse would ideally learn to spend quality time with you. But meanwhile, why not learn to appreciate and love when your spouse says kind things about you? We can all change.

Pray together

 

Photo Courtesy of: AProverbsWife.com

 3 Serious Benefits to Praying Together Everyday

1) You are speaking with and seeking council from the All-Knowing God who loves you

2) You can learn what each other is concerned about or thankful for

3) It's really hard to stay mad at each other when you're praying together

Channeling attraction

The other night, Leah casually asked me if I am ever attracted to other women, and---if so---how I deal with it.

Yikes.

She explained that she'd been reading a marriage book that claimed men are basically hardwired to notice and be automatically attracted to beautiful women, and that men with healthy/successful marriages do not try to squash all such feelings (which would be futile). Instead, they have learned to redirect that instinctive attraction and passion towards their wife, thus maintaining a state of mental monogamy while preserving the ability to be passionate. She wondered if that was true in my experience.

After a bit of thought, I replied that it actually seemed about right. Even before we married, I had noticed that my eyes and thoughts were automatically drawn toward attractive women I crossed paths with---even though I was 100% satisfied with Ryan+Leah and not the least bit "on the market." The whole thing bothered me for a long time after we married, but eventually an internal dialogue arose and became almost automatic: Notice attractive face in the crowd, realize "but it's not Leah," remember all the reasons I married Leah (and recognize that they all still hold), and end up looking forward to seeing Leah again instead of thinking about whoever it was. 

Judging by Leah's reaction, I had answered well. Tears. Big hug. Marriage saved.

Really, though, it sounds like that early observation had already saved our marriage (or at least strengthened it) plenty of times already without me realizing it. So I guess it's good that Leah's question forced me to connect the dots... and that we trust each other enough to even be able to have a conversation like that!

All this actually reminds me of a scene from the movie "Hook," where a now-grown Peter Pan returns to Never Land to rescue his children after Captain Hook kidnaps them. As time passes, Peter regains his lost childhood memories and begins to slip back into them, forgetting his life outside Never Land. The fairy Tinker Bell, who has always loved Peter, tries to reignite their past relationship and he starts to fall in love with her. As they hold hands during an especially romantic moment, he begins to say "I love..." but then hesitates before finishing, "I love... Moira!" [his wife]. Peter's memories of love and loyalty to his wife flood back to him, and he gently but firmly renounces Tinker Bell.

Image courtesy of http://www.disneyclips.com

The importance of touch

Too many couples overlook the power of touch in building and maintaining a close relationship. We're talking about the little things here: holding hands while walking, shoulder or foot rubs after a long day, hugs on the way out the door, a caress to go with that "I love you."

In his book, Twelve traps in today's marriage---and how to avoid them, marriage counselor Dr. Brent Barlow states:

If I could encourage married couples to do just one thing to maintain or improve their relationships, I think I would suggest developing the skill of touch. Touch is one of the most significant forms of communication we have... [and] the absence of touch often communicates disinterest or lack of caring. Many studies have observed that young infants in institutions can actually die from lack of touch. The phenomenon is known as marasmus. As adults, touching continues to be a primary means of communicating with those we love, whether we are conscious of it or not. Our need for caring touch is normal and healthy, and we will never outgrow it.

His conclusion: "marital marasmus can be deadly." 

(photos courtesy of lds.org)

Don't Go to Bed Angry at Each Other

In respect to marriage,"It's not if you'll get hurt, it's when you'll get hurt." The loving relationship that comes from marriage makes the hurts worth it. It's going to happen; you're two imperfect people spending a lot of time together, coming from totally different backgrounds and families, having good and bad days; you're going to hurt each other. So, I love the advice:
"Don't go to bed angry at each other".
We heard this before we got married and we've tried to stick to it. It helps to be able to start the next day fresh. Even if you can't solve your problem the same day, at least you can agree to disagree, or agree to talk about it later, before going to bed.

image from furniture clipart

Study Him

Carlie, a blogger wrote a list of 5 habits to make marriage a priority. I love number three. I think it's just worded well. It's actually very similar to what Ryan talked about here.

"Study Him(Be a Detective):

I've studied that man of mine for over 16 years now because I want to know what makes him tick. What’s his passion? What’s his love language? What are his spiritual gifts? What irks him? What makes him feel most respected and loved by me? These things haven’t been hard to learn, but they have taken my time and focus. Once I know the answers to these questions, I just try to pursue them, cultivate them, or encourage them in my husband."

It's a cute idea. Actually figure out all the good things that your husband loves and try to do those things for him and encourage him to do those things. Also, note that she mentioned "what irks him?"... don't do those things. 

Above image from mycutegraphics.com

Investing in the One You've Got

It takes work to stay married. But, doesn't it take even more work to divorce and remarry?

After a divorce, I often see both spouses eventually try to remarry. The effort they put into remarrying translates to: lots of money, time, hope and attention spent on lots of dates. They'll spend tons of time, money and attention into their appearance - working out, getting new clothes, haircuts, etc to look like a good catch. In fact they're willing to become their best self, so that somebody will fall in love with them. Anybody who has dated knows that lots of these dates are going to be awful. That's just how it goes sometimes, especially while you are working on improving yourself. Often the dates can be so awful that the individual may begin to wonder if they should continue the process, after all it's really taking up a lot of their resources. Then, often after soooo much work, they find a match that works. They put a lot more time, money, hope and attention into this person, while continuing to work on themselves and hopefully end up marrying to them.

This pattern shows up so frequently, and I always wonder what would have happened if both of them had put all that money, time, hope and attention into each other when things started looking bad. And what if they invested all that time, money and attention into their current spouse? This would be a good point to work on their appearance as well - working out, getting new clothes, new haircuts, etc, to look their best for their spouse, as an offering to their spouse when the relationship is rocky. Not just working on their appearance, but also trying to make themselves a person worth loving. Sure, they might get some awful "dates" out of their spouse at first. But, if they continue they might realize that they are investing in the individual that made them fall in love and get married in the first place. They also might become the individual their spouse fell in love with in the first place. If they continue investing so much time, hope, money and attention into their spouse, they might just fall in love again. After all, they already went through the process of falling in love with this individual once, filtering that spouse out from the rest of the human race as one being a great match.

Please, try putting a lot of work into your relationship, before divorcing and putting a lot of work into other relationships.

New News

My friends Ashley and Craig share one of their tips for staying happily married in Ashley's words:

"The first couple months of our marriage my husband would ask me if he was still "new news". I realized this was important to him to feel special and loved and I began to make more of an effort to treat him like I did when we were newly engaged. I did this by greeting him when he got home with a hug, kiss, and big smile! By listening attentively to his interests (even when they are technology related and way over my head). Also, I treat him like new news by still kissing him a lot. Craig treats me like new news by bringing me home a treat he got at the store or at work, contacting me during the day to see how I am doing, and letting me plan our weekends. Treating each other like new news has helped us to stay in love and honestly we fall more and more in love all the time."

The Kind Words You Say

The Kind Words You Say Can In Memory Lay and Sunshine Forever Impart...

I was just watching an old classic movie, "Johnny Lingo". There's a father that is so mean to his daughter. He always calls her ugly and treats her like she is worthless. The daughter believes him... until one day. The richest man on the island wants to marry her. He offers her the biggest dowry anybody on the island has ever heard of. He tells her how beautiful and wonderful she is. She becomes beautiful and wonderful. It is a cute story.

It's so true in real life. If we treat our spouse how we want them to become, they will become that. We can hurt or help our spouse just by how we talk to them. Let's all say lots of nice things today and always to our spouse. That's the happy way.
 I love Johnny Lingo. You can see what else I wrote about it here

Let Your Spouse Be Who They Are

My friends Craig and Ashley are happy to share what works in their marriage. They have been married over a year and a half. Ashley comments:

"My husband Craig thanks me all the time for "letting him be him". This approach helps us be happy. Early in our relationship when I would make cookies or muffins, as soon as the timer would beep Craig would rush over to the oven with me and as I was pulling out the tray he would grab one of the treats... I would get so frustrated telling him he needed to wait so I could see which one was ugliest and have him take that one in case I was giving the treats away to family or friends. Wow, pretty rude of me. My husband deserves the best, he deserves to get first pick. I changed my way of thinking and grew to love the fact that he wanted one of my baked goods as soon as it came out of the oven! Sometimes now I even tell him, I'm about to get the tray out of the oven, come pick one. This is an example of me letting him be him, letting him live true to himself and not trying to boss him around."

Ryan laughed after reading this. He said maybe I should just let you eat the cooked meat straight out of the frying pan from now on. I said, "Yes, I think that's a great idea!"
We are talking about letting your spouse be who they are in the little things that really don't matter in the end. We are not talking about things that are inherently right or wrong. 

So, how can you let your spouse be who they are?

Science behind a happy relationship

Courtesy of Happify:

How about them apples?

I (Ryan) am the consummate square. Straight lines, rulers, graph paper, plaid shirts. Engineer. If this picture were taken while we were dating, you might be able to guess which apple I cut and which one Leah cut:

And you'd probably be wrong.

I grew up carefully slicing apples as shown on the right: straight down the center, with an intricate cut to remove the stem and seeds from each quarter. If you're counting knife operations, it works out to around 18.

On the left, we have Leah's apple. Four cuts and it's ready to eat. Easy to make thin slices out of, too. Just goes to show. Even an engineer can learn something from his wife about straight lines and efficiency. I never would have guessed that when we got married.

Note: No apples were wasted in the making of this post.

Look at Yourself Before Judging

When we first got married, I was looking disgustedly at our cluttered bathroom counter. I saw Ryan's shaver, his hair gel and his comb all left out instead of being put away. I was getting mad at Ryan and then I stopped for a second and looked at the bathroom counter again. I saw my hairbrush, my ponytail holders, my curling iron...and then realized that my list went on and on. Almost all the mess on the counter was mine. I quickly put ALL of OUR stuff away and moved on. I was grateful that I hadn't embarrassed myself by telling him he was leaving out too much stuff. Sometimes we need to just focus on ourselves first when there's a "messy" problem.

The importance of being right

Before starting that argument, ask yourself one question:

Is it more important to be right, or to be married?