Johnny Lingo

"The finding of fault with consequent divorce is usually preceded by a long period in which little mistakes are spoken of in harsh and angry language, where tiny molehills of difference grow into great mountains of conflict. I am satisfied that the more unkindly a wife is treated, the less attractive she becomes. She loses pride in herself. She develops a feeling of worthlessness. Of course it shows.

A husband who domineers his wife, who demeans and humiliates her, and who makes officious demands upon her not only injures her, but he also belittles himself. And in many cases, he plants a pattern of future similar behavior in his sons." -  President Gordon B Hinckley

 Watch the movie of Johnny Lingo to see this principle in action on both sides of the coin. Enjoy the old school movie. There's a newer version these days that is also super cute with the same message.

I love Johnny Lingo. You can see what else I wrote about it  here

Never Leave a Man When He's Down

My Mom always says, "Never leave a man when he's down, that's just cruel". If he loses his job or is having a hard time, you can't just walk out. It's just too mean. The reverse applies too.

Living and Loving Each Day

"A happy marriage is not based on the number of days, months or years you've been together. A happy marriage is about how much you love each other every day." - unknown
http://www.happywivesclub.com/a-happy-marriage-7/

We've been together 13 years, 5 months and 8 days, but who's counting. I won't try to pretend that each of those days were filled with love, but I can say that we ended each bad day happily. I can also say that most of those days together have been filled with love and sometimes so much love towards each other that the words "I love you" aren't enough.

A happy marriage is not based on the number of days, months, or years you’ve been together. A happy marriage is about how much you love each other everyday.” -Unknown - See more at: http://www.happywivesclub.com/a-happy-marriage-7/#sthash.Wbe8txBK.dpufA

“A happy marriage is not based on the number of days, months, or years you’ve been together. A happy marriage is about how much you love each other everyday.” -Unknown - See more at: http://www.happywivesclub.com/a-happy-marriage-7/#sthash.Wbe8txBK.dpuf

“A happy marriage is not based on the number of days, months, or years you’ve been together. A happy marriage is about how much you love each other everyday.” -Unknown - See more at: http://www.happywivesclub.com/a-happy-marriage-7/#sthash.Wbe8txBK.dpuf

“A happy marriage is not based on the number of days, months, or years you’ve been together. A happy marriage is about how much you love each other everyday.” -Unknown - See more at: http://www.happywivesclub.com/a-happy-marriage-7/#sthash.Wbe8txBK.dpuf

“A happy marriage is not based on the number of days, months, or years you’ve been together. A happy marriage is about how much you love each other everyday.” -Unknown - See more at: http://www.happywivesclub.com/a-happy-marriage-7/#sthash.Wbe8txBK.dpuf

In Person

If you have a problem to discuss about your relationship or your spouse, don't do it over the phone or internet! People tend to be far less considerate of others' feelings when they're separated by cyberspace, and in-person communication adds vital information channels (body language!) to the discussion.

Fighting vs Discussing

Fighting in marriage leads to a couple growing further apart and resisting each other. Fighting does NOT usually resolve the issue at hand. Discussing in marriage, if done sensitively, can bring the couple closer together AND solve the problem they are facing.

For example, Ryan and I used to completely disagree on camping. Whenever we even thought about camping, we'd get upset. We were coming from opposing ideas on every aspect of camping. So, our discussions about camping sometimes turned to fights. The successful conversations about camping included a few key elements.

 First, express love for each other. "You are worth it. I love you. I want to be with you, even if it means camping together".

 Second, discuss the importance of the issue. "Camping could be a really great thing for us and our family. It is worth trying to figure out a compromise, so that we can enjoy this activity together".

Third, several short discussions are key. We had tons of short discussions, where we'd just cover one aspect of camping. We'd reach a conclusion or not and end before we got upset. "My favorite part of camping is using a campfire". "I want to spend lots of time around the campfire too." "Great we'll buy wood next trip". "Let's start thinking of food to cook over the campfire". That's it, short and sweet. Another discussion can add more details. If you've spent a little while on a conversation and didn't get anywhere, don't worry just say, "let's talk about this later. Not never, just later". Schedule the conversation if you need to.

Marriages of the Leaders of the LDS Church

Marriages of LDS Church Leaders
Here's some fun little stories about church leaders falling in love and meeting their spouses.

“I saw her first in Primary,” President Hinckley says with a laugh. “She gave a reading. I don’t know what it did to me, but I never forgot it. Then she grew older into a beautiful young woman, and I had the good sense to marry her.”

After that sunrise service, he saw a young woman coming out of a grove of trees. Not only was he struck by her beauty, but at that moment the words of President David O. McKay came to his mind: “If you meet a girl in whose presence you feel a desire … to do your best, … such a young woman is worthy of your love” (Gospel Ideals, Salt Lake City: Improvement Era, 1953, p. 459). “That was exactly how I felt as I saw Kathleen for the first time,” says Elder Eyring.

While trying to win over Harriet’s heart, Dieter F. Uchtdorf would frequently ride his bike to her house, hoping to give her a ride to a church function. She was usually unavailable, but Harriet’s mother would take the ride instead. “Actually, looking back,” he says, “I recognize that it doesn’t hurt at all to be on good terms with the mother of the girl of your dreams.”

Do Moms get a Day of Rest?

Sabbath for Mom - article link

The article in the link above is awesome. You've gotta read it. It encourages the dads to help more on Sunday. If you're a mom going through the first years of parenting, church and Sunday are as exhausting as any other day. It's just how it is. Hopefully the husband and wife can work out a routine that makes things smoother, but it'll require work from both parents. For, example, I can't even remember the last Mother's Day(Sunday) when I didn't have to change a baby's diaper. It's just how it is. There's a lot to be done.

That being said, Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy has been my favorite commandment for probably 13 years. When Ryan was going through school, it was easy for him to put in 60 to 80 hour work weeks (including studying and working). He was able to do all that in 6 days a week. The 7th day became the family day. On Sundays he would take the kids out during sacrament meeting when they screamed. That doesn't necessarily mean I heard much of sacrament meeting, because with multiple kids somebody always needs help. The gesture was needed and kind though. On Sundays he'd also take our baby to Elder's Quorum (the men's meeting). That left me free to teach primary.

He'd often cook dinner or lunch after church like I mentioned here.The times he had to stay after church for a calling, we often decided to stay too. I wasn't excited to go home and take care of the kids there by myself like any other day. So, I'd let the kids play in the nursery after church while we waited for him. I didn't get the day off, but it helped relax the heavy load that little kids bring for a mom.  Sunday was definitely a break from the routine.

If you do have a heavy load on Sundays because of  young children, just remember they grow up. Just for reference, I probably take my two year old out of sacrament meeting and into the hall about once or twice per meeting. The 5 year old only has to go out about once per year. The 8, 10 and 12 year olds sit through the meeting and even learn things.

Very Married

Seriously, "Be very married".  That's romantic.
I think it means: be intensely loyal and loving to your spouse.
Of course they have to be loyal and loving to you too :)
Time to "be very married".

Why do couples talk?

In his book, Mars and Venus in Touch, Dr. John Gray observes that men and women talk about their problems for very different reasons, and at different stages of the problem's lifetime.

The man generally prefers to avoid talking about a problem until he feels ready to confront and put an end to it; if he brought it up in conversation, "he would have to address himself to solving [it]."

The woman, on the other hand, will not feel ready to confront a problem until she has talked about it, perhaps at length. She wants to "articulate her problems," "in a nonlinear, unedited way," "so she can set them aside."

Their very different reasons for discussing problems can cause friction between couples if each does not understand why the other is talking. Fortunately, Dr. Gray points out, the solution is simple:

He should recognize that she talks about her problems because she is not yet ready to confront them, and so he should avoid looking for solutions she is not ready to hear. Instead, he should simply listen actively to encourage her to talk all the way through the issues.

She should recognize that he does not talk about his problems because he is not yet ready to confront them, If she makes him talk too soon, he won't have solutions and that will be frustrating to him. and so she should not require him to look for solutions he is not ready to find. Instead, she should simply talk in her nonlinear, unedited way to encourage him to see a way through the issues.

Who wants to try talking to their spouse this week with this new method? Who knows maybe it'll work for you.

Walt and Lillian Disney

Walt and Lilly (image credit: [3])

The more I learn about Walt and Lillian Disney's marriage, the more I like it. They met at work, where she was a secretary. Walt would drive the girls home and drop Lilly off last, even though she lived the closest. They married in an episcopal church and had two daughters.

During her marriage, Mrs. Disney served as her husband's sounding board and unofficial adviser. By all accounts he would discuss his ideas -- from Snow White to the creation of Disneyland -- with Lilly and sought her approval. On a train ride from New York City to Los Angeles, after a serious business setback, Mr. Disney came up with a new character: Mortimer Mouse. ''Not Mortimer,'' said his wife. ''It's too formal. How about Mickey?" [1]. We know how helpful that discussion was!

In the 1990s Lilly reflected on her 41-year marriage to Walt as she said, "We shared a wonderful, exciting life, and we loved every minute of it. He was a wonderful husband to me, and wonderful and joyful father and grandfather" [2]. Walt had named many of his favorite Disneyland trains after Lilly.

Their cute marriage, in particular the part about being a sounding board got me thinking about how to be a good "soundboard" for my husband, so when he creates "Mortimer" I can help him to see that it can be "Mickey". But, how? My husband has his PhD in computer databases and I've never taken a computer class since my junior high school typing class. So, how do we talk? Well mostly we talk about other things. He has definitely used me as a sounding board many times for his great computer ideas. Sometimes I just think about something else and let him talk- it's really a nice way to fall asleep. :) Other times, I'm a better sounding board and I listen for terms that are familiar to me (I've developed quite a vocabulary of computer terms).  Ideally I would be interested when he talks about computers and try to figure out ways to participate and add my "Mickey" advice. It worked for Walt and Lilly, maybe it can work for us too.

Do you have "Mickey" moments in your marriage when you're being a sounding board and you help your spouse create something great? Or do you miss "Mickey" moments when you put on your glazed eye look and start thinking about something else when your spouse talks?

Longtime Married Love

And if you suppose that the full-blown rapture of young romantic love is the sum total of the possibilities which spring from the fountains of life, you have not yet lived to see the devotion and the comfort of longtime married love - Boyd K Packard

I'd say, when young romantic love begins to fizzle out of your marriage, stick with your partner because the best is yet to be.

Marriage between Man and Woman

 "Fathers don't 'mother' and mothers don't 'father'." A married man and woman are needed to best nurture their children.

Don't let anything come between you

We recently read a book that stressed the importance of not letting children come between the husband and wife, because their relationship with each other is an entirely separate thing from their joint relationship with the children, and must be nourished if they are to be their best as parents.

When we were dating, my (very young and romantically clueless) brother once plopped himself down on the couch between us and started chattering away about something. Leah and I looked at each other and came to a silent agreement: double tickle attack!

My poor brother felt very betrayed. He was used to tickle attacks from me, but he thought Leah was too nice to ever do something so sneaky and underhanded to him! He didn't ever try to insert himself between us again, though, and the incident created a tradition. We now have our own growing troupe of young ones running about, and they often plop themselves down in strange places, but none of them dares to sit between us without asking permission first... because they know what will happen: double tickle attack!

Marriage Efficiency

"No one has ever come up with a more efficient way to raise the next generation than a household of married parents with children." - Elder Perry Last Conference Talk
Elder Perry Died

May Marriages Flourish

"May marriages flourish and families prosper, and whether our lot is a fulness of these blessings in mortality or not, may the Lord’s grace bring happiness now and faith in sure promises to come."-Elder Christofferson

Marriage is more than love

"Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal—it is a status, an office. Just as it is the crown, and not merely the will to rule, that makes the king, so it is marriage, and not merely your love for each other, that joins you together in the sight of God and man. … So love comes from you, but marriage from above, from God.”

-- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison (1953), 42–43.

Pope Francis on the disintegration of marriage

From the 2014 Humanum:

"[M]arriage and the family are in crisis. ...  more and more people are simply giving up on marriage as a public commitment.  This revolution in manners and morals has often flown the flag of freedom, but in fact it has brought spiritual and material devastation to countless human beings, especially the poorest and most vulnerable.

"Evidence is mounting that the decline of the marriage culture is associated with increased poverty and a host of other social ills, disproportionately affecting women, children and the elderly.  It is always they who suffer the most in this crisis.

"The crisis in the family has produced an ecological crisis, for social environments, like natural environments, need protection.  And although the human race has come to understand the need to address conditions that menace our natural environments, we have been slower to recognize that our fragile social environments are under threat as well...  It is therefore essential that we foster a new human ecology... [that recognizes] family [as] the foundation of co-existence and a remedy against social fragmentation... that [encourages] our youth [to] not give themselves over to the poisonous environment."

The Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Ryan adores this book because of the practical advice inside.

The point of the book is to help couples identify what makes them feel loved, and puts it in terms of language and learning to speak foreign languages. People often show love in the way they want to receive it (their "native" love language), or in the way their parents showed it. Unfortunately, your spouse may not natively recognize those acts as signs of love because she speaks a different native love language; she may even feel unloved while a confused mate continues showering unappreciated love on them using a language she doesn't understand. In effect, most people appreciate acts of love that align with their native language in a way that nothing else can match, and feel an emptiness no other acts can fill when those acts are withheld.

Mr Chapman is very bold in stating repeatedly that if you are not good at showing love the way your spouse appreciates, then it's time to learn their language. Like any second language, this can feel unnatural and awkward at first, but learning their Love Language can have huge benefits. It can enrich even a healthy relationship, and for couples that struggle it can be a quick fix to saving a marriage---he shared tons of examples of relationships literally turning around overnight after one spouse or the other had an "a-hah!" moment.

The Five Love Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation (esp. speaking kindly and reassuringly)
• Receiving Gifts (no need for $$$, it's the thought that counts)
• Quality Time (talking together, sharing hobbies, etc.)
• Acts of Service (doing thoughtful things for them, taking their load off)
• Physical Touch (sex doesn't count; try a hug, holding hands, or stroking hair)

Learn to speak your spouse's love language...

Mr. Chapman suggests three ways to determine your spouse's love language: First, watch for (or think back) to loving acts that seem to resonate especially strongly with him or her. You could even try one of each and see which one(s) seem to generate the most positive response. Second, watch for (or remember) the things your spouse complains the most about, his pet peeves, or the unkind acts that are most distressing to her. Hurtful words are especially devastating to someone whose language is Words of Affirmation, and night after night of TV or video games says "I don't love you" to a spouse who values Quality Time.  Finally, listen to your spouse when he or she asks or demands things. It may be an act of desperation on their part, a not-so-subtle plea for you to show love in the specific way that will make them feel cherished.
 ...and learn to receive love the way your spouse is comfortable sharing it.

Today I realized that in addition to learning your spouse's preferred way to receive love, you can learn to feel loved by the love language your spouse is best at giving. For example if you feel loved by spending quality time together, but your spouse is good at saying kind things to you, all is not lost. Sure, your spouse would ideally learn to spend quality time with you. But meanwhile, why not learn to appreciate and love when your spouse says kind things about you? We can all change.

Young and Married Part Two

For those who say "but that's too young to get married!" I would just say this: between the years of 18 and 21 American young adults make enormous, important, and life changing decisions: driving cars, leaving home, starting careers, beginning university degrees, joining the armed forces, legally being allowed to drink alcohol and use tobacco (which we don't, by the way).

We rightly celebrate that most young adults are mature enough to make such important decisions at these ages, we encourage them to do so, and we tend to frown on people who choose to put off those important decisions for a decade or more. Then why do so many frown on the young couple that chooses to marry? If they are grown up enough to make all those other decisions, then they are grown up enough to marry if they choose to.

Image Credits: Car and Michigan

Why "save yourself" for marriage?

Several years ago, Leah was assigned to teach a group of 13-year old boys about the importance of chastity, and of avoiding pre-marital sex. One of them asked, why is it so important if you're just going to get married and have sex in a few years anyway?

Her answer: Right now there are about 3 billion women out there that you're not supposed to have sex with. After you get married, there will still be about 3 billion women out there (minus one) that you're not supposed to have sex with.

They got it.

Remaining pure before marriage is just plain good practice for remaining faithful during marriage.

A Good Marriage

A good marriage isn't one without problems, instead it's one where the problems get taken care of instead of festering.

Intimacy vs. kissing, revisited

In a previous post I talked about intimacy as being much more than just physical romance, with a focus on the ways misconceptions about intimacy can hurt relationships. However, there's another angle I didn't consider at the time: cultivating (accidentally or otherwise) any form of intimacy with someone other than your spouse.

I recently learned of several heartbreaking and marriage-crushing affairs involving people who seemed above reproach. In every case, the parties involved started out with full intentions to remain faithful to their spouse, and did not consider their marriage to be weak or dissatisfying, nor consider themselves attracted to the other person. However, in the process of spending time around someone of the opposite sex---for legitimate or even admirable reasons---all made the fatal mistake of allowing themselves to become intimately connected with that other person: deep personal conversations, long outings alone together, sharing of hopes, desires, and secrets, etc. In keeping with their pure intentions, they studiously avoided pursuing anything like physical romance, thinking that was the danger to avoid, but in all cases romance erupted suddenly and irreversibly once the intimate relationship had matured. Most of them became so attached to their new partner they felt no remorse after betraying their spouse and other loved ones. This is something to be avoided at all costs, even if it means a bit of inconvenience to you or another person.

Love Grams

Valentine's Day Ideas

Young and Married

So many couples are getting married in their 30s, if at all. We think you're missing out. When a couple gets married young, they have more of a chance to shape each other into a compatible pair. We married at 20 and 22 years old. Now, we look back and see how as we develop and change, we naturally change in ways that are compatible for both of us. In a very real way, we've grown to become each others' ideal partner. If we had just met now (over ten years later), there's no way we could have just chosen on our own to be such a duo. We would have been more set in our ways. It would have been harder to live as an intertwined pair.

Pray together

 

Photo Courtesy of: AProverbsWife.com

 3 Serious Benefits to Praying Together Everyday

1) You are speaking with and seeking council from the All-Knowing God who loves you

2) You can learn what each other is concerned about or thankful for

3) It's really hard to stay mad at each other when you're praying together

Channeling attraction

The other night, Leah casually asked me if I am ever attracted to other women, and---if so---how I deal with it.

Yikes.

She explained that she'd been reading a marriage book that claimed men are basically hardwired to notice and be automatically attracted to beautiful women, and that men with healthy/successful marriages do not try to squash all such feelings (which would be futile). Instead, they have learned to redirect that instinctive attraction and passion towards their wife, thus maintaining a state of mental monogamy while preserving the ability to be passionate. She wondered if that was true in my experience.

After a bit of thought, I replied that it actually seemed about right. Even before we married, I had noticed that my eyes and thoughts were automatically drawn toward attractive women I crossed paths with---even though I was 100% satisfied with Ryan+Leah and not the least bit "on the market." The whole thing bothered me for a long time after we married, but eventually an internal dialogue arose and became almost automatic: Notice attractive face in the crowd, realize "but it's not Leah," remember all the reasons I married Leah (and recognize that they all still hold), and end up looking forward to seeing Leah again instead of thinking about whoever it was. 

Judging by Leah's reaction, I had answered well. Tears. Big hug. Marriage saved.

Really, though, it sounds like that early observation had already saved our marriage (or at least strengthened it) plenty of times already without me realizing it. So I guess it's good that Leah's question forced me to connect the dots... and that we trust each other enough to even be able to have a conversation like that!

All this actually reminds me of a scene from the movie "Hook," where a now-grown Peter Pan returns to Never Land to rescue his children after Captain Hook kidnaps them. As time passes, Peter regains his lost childhood memories and begins to slip back into them, forgetting his life outside Never Land. The fairy Tinker Bell, who has always loved Peter, tries to reignite their past relationship and he starts to fall in love with her. As they hold hands during an especially romantic moment, he begins to say "I love..." but then hesitates before finishing, "I love... Moira!" [his wife]. Peter's memories of love and loyalty to his wife flood back to him, and he gently but firmly renounces Tinker Bell.

Image courtesy of http://www.disneyclips.com

The importance of touch

Too many couples overlook the power of touch in building and maintaining a close relationship. We're talking about the little things here: holding hands while walking, shoulder or foot rubs after a long day, hugs on the way out the door, a caress to go with that "I love you."

In his book, Twelve traps in today's marriage---and how to avoid them, marriage counselor Dr. Brent Barlow states:

If I could encourage married couples to do just one thing to maintain or improve their relationships, I think I would suggest developing the skill of touch. Touch is one of the most significant forms of communication we have... [and] the absence of touch often communicates disinterest or lack of caring. Many studies have observed that young infants in institutions can actually die from lack of touch. The phenomenon is known as marasmus. As adults, touching continues to be a primary means of communicating with those we love, whether we are conscious of it or not. Our need for caring touch is normal and healthy, and we will never outgrow it.

His conclusion: "marital marasmus can be deadly." 

(photos courtesy of lds.org)

Mark Twain's marriage

Samuel Clemens, also known as Mark Twain, was known for his strong opinions and his willingness to state them bluntly. He was a prolific writer of scathing letters and editorials, attacking both real and perceived insults and injustices with his famously sharp wit.

I once read that Twain's wife was in charge of the mail, and that she quietly discarded most of those angry letters on the way to the post office. Whether that was true or not, we do know he eventually came to appreciate the value of the unsent angry letter for himself, and the "unallowable frankness & freedom" it offered.

An old poem states:

Boys flying kites haul in their white winged birds;
You can’t do that way when you’re flying words.
“Careful with fire,” is good advice we know
“Careful with words,” is ten times doubly so.
Thoughts unexpressed may sometimes fall back dead;
But God Himself can’t kill them [once] they’re said.
        Will Carleton—The First Settler’s Story. St. 21.