Think Twice About Leaving

"Altogether too many men, are leaving their wives at home in the morning and going to work, where they find attractively dressed and attractively made-up young women, regard themselves as young and handsome and as an irresistible catch. They complain that their wives do not look the same as they did twenty years ago when they married them. To which I say, 'Who would, after living with you for twenty years?'"

President Gordon B Hinckley

Good things come to a faithful man who treats his wife well.

My idea: Try spoiling your wife and treating her as if she did look the same as she did 20 years ago. See what happens, but give it some time. 

Intimacy vs. kissing, revisited

In a previous post I talked about intimacy as being much more than just physical romance, with a focus on the ways misconceptions about intimacy can hurt relationships. However, there's another angle I didn't consider at the time: cultivating (accidentally or otherwise) any form of intimacy with someone other than your spouse.

I recently learned of several heartbreaking and marriage-crushing affairs involving people who seemed above reproach. In every case, the parties involved started out with full intentions to remain faithful to their spouse, and did not consider their marriage to be weak or dissatisfying, nor consider themselves attracted to the other person. However, in the process of spending time around someone of the opposite sex---for legitimate or even admirable reasons---all made the fatal mistake of allowing themselves to become intimately connected with that other person: deep personal conversations, long outings alone together, sharing of hopes, desires, and secrets, etc. In keeping with their pure intentions, they studiously avoided pursuing anything like physical romance, thinking that was the danger to avoid, but in all cases romance erupted suddenly and irreversibly once the intimate relationship had matured. Most of them became so attached to their new partner they felt no remorse after betraying their spouse and other loved ones. This is something to be avoided at all costs, even if it means a bit of inconvenience to you or another person.

Channeling attraction

The other night, Leah casually asked me if I am ever attracted to other women, and---if so---how I deal with it.

Yikes.

She explained that she'd been reading a marriage book that claimed men are basically hardwired to notice and be automatically attracted to beautiful women, and that men with healthy/successful marriages do not try to squash all such feelings (which would be futile). Instead, they have learned to redirect that instinctive attraction and passion towards their wife, thus maintaining a state of mental monogamy while preserving the ability to be passionate. She wondered if that was true in my experience.

After a bit of thought, I replied that it actually seemed about right. Even before we married, I had noticed that my eyes and thoughts were automatically drawn toward attractive women I crossed paths with---even though I was 100% satisfied with Ryan+Leah and not the least bit "on the market." The whole thing bothered me for a long time after we married, but eventually an internal dialogue arose and became almost automatic: Notice attractive face in the crowd, realize "but it's not Leah," remember all the reasons I married Leah (and recognize that they all still hold), and end up looking forward to seeing Leah again instead of thinking about whoever it was. 

Judging by Leah's reaction, I had answered well. Tears. Big hug. Marriage saved.

Really, though, it sounds like that early observation had already saved our marriage (or at least strengthened it) plenty of times already without me realizing it. So I guess it's good that Leah's question forced me to connect the dots... and that we trust each other enough to even be able to have a conversation like that!

All this actually reminds me of a scene from the movie "Hook," where a now-grown Peter Pan returns to Never Land to rescue his children after Captain Hook kidnaps them. As time passes, Peter regains his lost childhood memories and begins to slip back into them, forgetting his life outside Never Land. The fairy Tinker Bell, who has always loved Peter, tries to reignite their past relationship and he starts to fall in love with her. As they hold hands during an especially romantic moment, he begins to say "I love..." but then hesitates before finishing, "I love... Moira!" [his wife]. Peter's memories of love and loyalty to his wife flood back to him, and he gently but firmly renounces Tinker Bell.

Image courtesy of http://www.disneyclips.com