The Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Ryan adores this book because of the practical advice inside.

The point of the book is to help couples identify what makes them feel loved, and puts it in terms of language and learning to speak foreign languages. People often show love in the way they want to receive it (their "native" love language), or in the way their parents showed it. Unfortunately, your spouse may not natively recognize those acts as signs of love because she speaks a different native love language; she may even feel unloved while a confused mate continues showering unappreciated love on them using a language she doesn't understand. In effect, most people appreciate acts of love that align with their native language in a way that nothing else can match, and feel an emptiness no other acts can fill when those acts are withheld.

Mr Chapman is very bold in stating repeatedly that if you are not good at showing love the way your spouse appreciates, then it's time to learn their language. Like any second language, this can feel unnatural and awkward at first, but learning their Love Language can have huge benefits. It can enrich even a healthy relationship, and for couples that struggle it can be a quick fix to saving a marriage---he shared tons of examples of relationships literally turning around overnight after one spouse or the other had an "a-hah!" moment.

The Five Love Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation (esp. speaking kindly and reassuringly)
• Receiving Gifts (no need for $$$, it's the thought that counts)
• Quality Time (talking together, sharing hobbies, etc.)
• Acts of Service (doing thoughtful things for them, taking their load off)
• Physical Touch (sex doesn't count; try a hug, holding hands, or stroking hair)

Learn to speak your spouse's love language...

Mr. Chapman suggests three ways to determine your spouse's love language: First, watch for (or think back) to loving acts that seem to resonate especially strongly with him or her. You could even try one of each and see which one(s) seem to generate the most positive response. Second, watch for (or remember) the things your spouse complains the most about, his pet peeves, or the unkind acts that are most distressing to her. Hurtful words are especially devastating to someone whose language is Words of Affirmation, and night after night of TV or video games says "I don't love you" to a spouse who values Quality Time.  Finally, listen to your spouse when he or she asks or demands things. It may be an act of desperation on their part, a not-so-subtle plea for you to show love in the specific way that will make them feel cherished.
 ...and learn to receive love the way your spouse is comfortable sharing it.

Today I realized that in addition to learning your spouse's preferred way to receive love, you can learn to feel loved by the love language your spouse is best at giving. For example if you feel loved by spending quality time together, but your spouse is good at saying kind things to you, all is not lost. Sure, your spouse would ideally learn to spend quality time with you. But meanwhile, why not learn to appreciate and love when your spouse says kind things about you? We can all change.

The importance of touch

Too many couples overlook the power of touch in building and maintaining a close relationship. We're talking about the little things here: holding hands while walking, shoulder or foot rubs after a long day, hugs on the way out the door, a caress to go with that "I love you."

In his book, Twelve traps in today's marriage---and how to avoid them, marriage counselor Dr. Brent Barlow states:

If I could encourage married couples to do just one thing to maintain or improve their relationships, I think I would suggest developing the skill of touch. Touch is one of the most significant forms of communication we have... [and] the absence of touch often communicates disinterest or lack of caring. Many studies have observed that young infants in institutions can actually die from lack of touch. The phenomenon is known as marasmus. As adults, touching continues to be a primary means of communicating with those we love, whether we are conscious of it or not. Our need for caring touch is normal and healthy, and we will never outgrow it.

His conclusion: "marital marasmus can be deadly." 

(photos courtesy of lds.org)

Traditions

When does your family open Christmas presents?

There are so many traditions surrounding Christmas. Which ones do you keep when you get married? I doubt it's possible for you and your spouse to have completely compatible traditions.

Recently Ryan and I read "Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and how to avoid them" by Brent A Barlow. We weren't expecting much from this book; but it turns out it was actually really helpful. Dr. Barlow chose twelve common traps in marriage and what to do about them. One was "tradition". He specifically mentioned the problem he and his wife had with deciding when to open Christmas presents - Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. The tradition trap is when we insist that our marriage be exactly as our parents, friends, or relatives have it---or insisting that our marriage be as marriages of the past.

Solution: Examine your traditions. Decide which ones you want to keep, which ones you will discard, and which new ones you're going to make together. At least that's what works for us. We've done a lot of that over the years. There are plenty of traditions that we each had growing up, including some that we cherished, but that just don't work for our own family. Those traditions have to be let go of in a tender way.

Review: The Peacegiver

"The Peacegiver" by James L Ferrell

The couple in this book seemed just like Ryan and I. They'd been married 12 years, got married in the Los Angeles Temple a year after the man returned from his mission, etc. Then, I read on and hated how their marriage was. It wasn't really like ours at all. They had been fighting for years and spent lots of time not speaking to each other. They were both about ready to separate. All I can say is, marriage is not meant to be like the broken relationship described in this book. Marriage is meant to be a happy, rewarding union between man and woman. The book showed how it could be too. What I liked was the idea that whose fault their marital problems were, didn't matter. The Savior had already accepted their sins and the fallout from those sins upon himself. So, it was each individual's job to forgive, regardless of whether the other one forgave. In this way, the book was very uplifting.

The book mentioned how marital sins were addictive like alcoholic or drug sins. The marital sins like "not speaking to each other", "thinking oneself superior to the other", "hateful words" and such changes a person to feel like they are justified in doing these sins and makes them commit more and worse sins of that nature as if the sin itself were addictive. It's only through the Savior's atonement that we can get out of vicious cycles of destructive behavior that destroy our marriages. At times during the read, I found myself thinking, thankfully I wasn't stuck with a husband like that. But, a marriage relationship is like a living thing. It needs attention, love, time, patience, nurturing, etc, to grow well. Our marriage could have gone that way had we let it. I have a daily choice in my relationship how to treat my spouse. I don't have the choice how he treats me, but I can do a lot to shape how he wants to treat me. I certainly am in complete control of how I treat him. The book showed how we each have our own responsibility to make our marriage the best it possibly can be. The Savior will help us with that. If we rely on Him, I believe we can have what marriage is meant to be: a happy, rewarding union between man and woman.