The other night, Leah casually asked me if I am ever attracted to other women, and---if so---how I deal with it.
Yikes.
She explained that she'd been reading a marriage book that claimed men are basically hardwired to notice and be automatically attracted to beautiful women, and that men with healthy/successful marriages do not try to squash all such feelings (which would be futile). Instead, they have learned to redirect that instinctive attraction and passion towards their wife, thus maintaining a state of mental monogamy while preserving the ability to be passionate. She wondered if that was true in my experience.
After a bit of thought, I replied that it actually seemed about right. Even before we married, I had noticed that my eyes and thoughts were automatically drawn toward attractive women I crossed paths with---even though I was 100% satisfied with Ryan+Leah and not the least bit "on the market." The whole thing bothered me for a long time after we married, but eventually an internal dialogue arose and became almost automatic: Notice attractive face in the crowd, realize "but it's not Leah," remember all the reasons I married Leah (and recognize that they all still hold), and end up looking forward to seeing Leah again instead of thinking about whoever it was.
Judging by Leah's reaction, I had answered well. Tears. Big hug. Marriage saved.
Really, though, it sounds like that early observation had already saved our marriage (or at least strengthened it) plenty of times already without me realizing it. So I guess it's good that Leah's question forced me to connect the dots... and that we trust each other enough to even be able to have a conversation like that!
All this actually reminds me of a scene from the movie "Hook," where a now-grown Peter Pan returns to Never Land to rescue his children after Captain Hook kidnaps them. As time passes, Peter regains his lost childhood memories and begins to slip back into them, forgetting his life outside Never Land. The fairy Tinker Bell, who has always loved Peter, tries to reignite their past relationship and he starts to fall in love with her. As they hold hands during an especially romantic moment, he begins to say "I love..." but then hesitates before finishing, "I love... Moira!" [his wife]. Peter's memories of love and loyalty to his wife flood back to him, and he gently but firmly renounces Tinker Bell.
Yikes.
She explained that she'd been reading a marriage book that claimed men are basically hardwired to notice and be automatically attracted to beautiful women, and that men with healthy/successful marriages do not try to squash all such feelings (which would be futile). Instead, they have learned to redirect that instinctive attraction and passion towards their wife, thus maintaining a state of mental monogamy while preserving the ability to be passionate. She wondered if that was true in my experience.
After a bit of thought, I replied that it actually seemed about right. Even before we married, I had noticed that my eyes and thoughts were automatically drawn toward attractive women I crossed paths with---even though I was 100% satisfied with Ryan+Leah and not the least bit "on the market." The whole thing bothered me for a long time after we married, but eventually an internal dialogue arose and became almost automatic: Notice attractive face in the crowd, realize "but it's not Leah," remember all the reasons I married Leah (and recognize that they all still hold), and end up looking forward to seeing Leah again instead of thinking about whoever it was.
Judging by Leah's reaction, I had answered well. Tears. Big hug. Marriage saved.
Really, though, it sounds like that early observation had already saved our marriage (or at least strengthened it) plenty of times already without me realizing it. So I guess it's good that Leah's question forced me to connect the dots... and that we trust each other enough to even be able to have a conversation like that!
All this actually reminds me of a scene from the movie "Hook," where a now-grown Peter Pan returns to Never Land to rescue his children after Captain Hook kidnaps them. As time passes, Peter regains his lost childhood memories and begins to slip back into them, forgetting his life outside Never Land. The fairy Tinker Bell, who has always loved Peter, tries to reignite their past relationship and he starts to fall in love with her. As they hold hands during an especially romantic moment, he begins to say "I love..." but then hesitates before finishing, "I love... Moira!" [his wife]. Peter's memories of love and loyalty to his wife flood back to him, and he gently but firmly renounces Tinker Bell.
Image courtesy of http://www.disneyclips.com
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