The Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Ryan adores this book because of the practical advice inside.

The point of the book is to help couples identify what makes them feel loved, and puts it in terms of language and learning to speak foreign languages. People often show love in the way they want to receive it (their "native" love language), or in the way their parents showed it. Unfortunately, your spouse may not natively recognize those acts as signs of love because she speaks a different native love language; she may even feel unloved while a confused mate continues showering unappreciated love on them using a language she doesn't understand. In effect, most people appreciate acts of love that align with their native language in a way that nothing else can match, and feel an emptiness no other acts can fill when those acts are withheld.

Mr Chapman is very bold in stating repeatedly that if you are not good at showing love the way your spouse appreciates, then it's time to learn their language. Like any second language, this can feel unnatural and awkward at first, but learning their Love Language can have huge benefits. It can enrich even a healthy relationship, and for couples that struggle it can be a quick fix to saving a marriage---he shared tons of examples of relationships literally turning around overnight after one spouse or the other had an "a-hah!" moment.

The Five Love Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation (esp. speaking kindly and reassuringly)
• Receiving Gifts (no need for $$$, it's the thought that counts)
• Quality Time (talking together, sharing hobbies, etc.)
• Acts of Service (doing thoughtful things for them, taking their load off)
• Physical Touch (sex doesn't count; try a hug, holding hands, or stroking hair)

Learn to speak your spouse's love language...

Mr. Chapman suggests three ways to determine your spouse's love language: First, watch for (or think back) to loving acts that seem to resonate especially strongly with him or her. You could even try one of each and see which one(s) seem to generate the most positive response. Second, watch for (or remember) the things your spouse complains the most about, his pet peeves, or the unkind acts that are most distressing to her. Hurtful words are especially devastating to someone whose language is Words of Affirmation, and night after night of TV or video games says "I don't love you" to a spouse who values Quality Time.  Finally, listen to your spouse when he or she asks or demands things. It may be an act of desperation on their part, a not-so-subtle plea for you to show love in the specific way that will make them feel cherished.
 ...and learn to receive love the way your spouse is comfortable sharing it.

Today I realized that in addition to learning your spouse's preferred way to receive love, you can learn to feel loved by the love language your spouse is best at giving. For example if you feel loved by spending quality time together, but your spouse is good at saying kind things to you, all is not lost. Sure, your spouse would ideally learn to spend quality time with you. But meanwhile, why not learn to appreciate and love when your spouse says kind things about you? We can all change.