Marriage Commitment Levels

The month of July seems to be wedding month. We've been invited to two weddings of neighbors and three family weddings. As we drive in the car to all these weddings, it's been an awesome opportunity to talk to the kids over and over again about the importance of temple weddings. We talk about what actually happens in a temple wedding. You know the couple promises with God to take care of each other and God will help them. Then, we talk about how a couple gets sealed together like a chain with the opportunity to be linked together forever.


That's all we see at first. But, if we look closer we realize that when those two links are chained together they link the parents and grandparents that came before. If you keep looking,  you realize that the future children that aren't even a glimmer in their parents' eyes yet, are linked too. It's a beautiful, eternal view of what marriage should be. I like to think of it as the ideal.
This way is the perfect set up to foster complete: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, etc, attachment. In this way as you commit completely, you really "cleave unto one another and non else". It's the most fulfilling for all needs when done right. We're big proponents of this type of marriage.

We always spend some time comparing a temple marriage to a marriage outside the temple. Any marriage between a man and woman is a wonderful thing in the eye of God. It's how it should be. We talk about all the benefits of the form of commitment that marriage is.
A married couple(married in the temple or not) is so much more likely to save money for the future, buy property together, set goals to achieve and work towards together then a non-married couple. Of course a married couple is the best way to raise the next generation. We hope by the end of talking about all that, that the kids are getting an idea of the "best" and "better". The main thing missing from a marriage outside the temple is the covenant with God to do our best in our marriage and to be able to stay married together after death and the family links from this.

Since, we know that eventually are kids will realize this is happening, we compare the option of living together as a couple instead of marrying. We always talk about abuse being more likely in this situation. We talk about the opposites of above. We mainly say, if a couple isn't willing to commit formally to each other like in marriage, then it's unlikely they'll commit in a lot of ways. They're less likely to commit financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. It seems they're less likely to have children by choice. They're also less likely to both be around to raise the children together if they do have any. Then, here's the part we don't mention if the young kids are in the car. They're putting their physical needs way above the rest of their other needs. Thus, their person becomes out of balance and can't actually be as complete and whole as it could have been, if they had just committed to take care of all each others' needs instead of just trying to take care of one physical need. I don't particularly support living together instead of marrying, can you tell?

Anyway that's the way I see it. Marriage by Leah

George and Martha Washington

One couple who appear to have a marriage that worked was:
George and Martha Washington.
Their marriage was enjoyable to read about and learn from.

I like this part:
"They fell into a pattern of routine with the President holding open receptions to any clean respectable males on Tuesday afternoons. Martha had her own receptions on Fridays open to both men and women. Sundays were family days, first going to church at St. Paul's and various outings with the grandchildren in the afternoons."

One night a week for their receptions seems like a good plan. I don't know if they invited each other to their receptions or not. Either way, having one night a week to do something wholesome the way you like without your companion seems healthy.

I stress one wholesome activity without your spouse a week, because of a story we ran across once.
Ryan and I were shopping at Costco. We were on different aisles and he had a baby in his cart along with the food. Two ladies approached him and started cooing over the baby. One lady said something like, "I bet you take the baby to the bars and pick up on all the women there?" Ryan said "no, I don't". They clarified, "you don't use the baby to pick up on women at the bars?" Ryan restated more clearly, "No, I don't drink, I don't go to bars and I don't use the baby to pick up on women." The one lady looked at the other and said, "See, I told you good men still exist!" Since that conversation, I think it's important to add stress to the wholesome in one wholesome recreational activity a week.
My mother-in-law has spent one night a week going to orchestra rehearsals for decades. She loves it and never wants to miss it. It's good for her. Since, it's good for her, it's good for her husband too. This is a perfect way to have one wholesome recreational activity a week.

Expectations

Expectations Quiz
from the Utah Marriage Handbook

4 True or False Questions:
1. Because we are in love we should never disagree.
2. My spouse should know what I'm thinking and feeling without my having to say it.
3. My spouse will never change (for the better or for the worse).
4. I will always feel those exciting, passionate feelings for my spouse.

Okay did you answer true or false for each one? To check the answers continue reading.

Improvement

When you're trying to become a better person, be wise to know what is within your power to change. Same goes for when you are trying to improve your spouse's character. Baby steps and encouragement are critical parts of change. Two steps forward and one step back is expected.

Remember just like the baby falls when trying to take it's first steps, we will too. We encourage the baby like it is the best thing in the world, because it is. When you're headed in the right direction, falls will happen, just keep trying.

Exercise towards a Stronger Marriage

Why not do something active together for your next date?
We tried this last week and love it. We played some basketball together.
We enjoy from time to time: snowshoeing, sledding, ice skating, basketball, chasing kids, workouts, gardening, dancing, hiking, taking long walks, etc.
There's an article that suggests that exercising together improves your marriage.

Exercise Toward a Stronger Marriage

This article is pretty awesome written by a Canadian Group. It describes the benefits of exercising together as a couple. Four of the big benefits of this are:

Creating Memories Together
Making and Achieving Goals Together
Being Happier Together
Encouraging Each Other

Why not try it? Who doesn't need a little more great memories and happiness?
Do something active together this week.

chicbrownbride.com has cute quotes like this

Scriptural Passages for Marriage Relationships

Serving your partner with everything you've got is the ideal and worth trying to achieve. If you're not sure how important service can be in your marriage, just ask your partner once a day: What can I do for you today to help you feel loved? They'll probably have an answer.

http://www.themissionofmoms.com/2011/04/encourage-your-missionary-son-or.html?m=1

 

 

#LDSface2face with Elder Holland

At a recent devotional a leader, Elder Holland, suggested taking this scripture passage which is about missionary work and change it to being about marriage. I think it's a good fit. Let's check:


"Therefore, O ye that embark in ...marriage..., see that ye serve...your spouse... with all your heart, might, mind and strength.
And faith, hope, charity and love; qualify him for this...marriage.
Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence.
...When you don't know how to work with your spouse...Pray.
--Doctrine and Covenants Section 4

Well, I'd say it works. Patience and humility are huge factors in a successful marriage. After all we want them to be patient when we aren't at our best. We also hope that they'll be humble when we want them to change something so we should be humble too. Knowledge as a virtue for a good marriage is taking me a minute to put my finger on. It would be helpful for each person to learn new things each day, so that there's something new to talk about together. It's certainly helpful to learn new things to make daily living skills easier(house cleaning, cooking, organizing, child raising etc).  Temperance(I had to look it up), is restraining from alcohol or eating and drinking too much. So, temperance would make you healthier and more attractive. Everybody wants that for their spouse. Diligence just reminds me to keep at it. Doing one day of any of these character traits is nice, but it won't make a huge difference in the end. Working on these character traits consistently will be rewarding for your marriage. Virtue is a must for a marriage to work - what's the point of a marriage without virtue and staying faithful to each other physically?

Do you think it works as a scripture that's helpful for marriage?

Wartime Wedding

My grandparents Max and Marjorie got engaged and married while Max was on leave from the military. They definitely had known each other awhile, dated, met each others' families, etc. Then, the story goes that Max came home and proposed to Marjorie. They tried to figure out all the details quickly before Max had to leave. They weren't sure where to get married, but they decided on the SLC temple. As my grandmother puts it, "temple marriages weren't stressed as so important back then." As they thought about it, they were content with getting married at the temple. So, they got married and had something short like 24 or 36 hours together before Max was deployed again for military service in WWII. They had a happily ever after that lasted for decades while they were both alive. Since, they got married in the temple, it can last for an eternity more.

There's was certainly a military, wartime wedding done very well.

None of us marry perfection, we marry potential II

Meeting the Challenges of Today's Worldby Elder Robert D. Hales

"None of us marry perfection; we marry potential. The right marriage is not only about what I want; it’s also about what she—who’s going to be my companion—wants and needs me to be."

This is love, the real kind of love. Make your partner's needs become your own needs. In the ideal marriage this goes both ways. It's not something we think about much these days. 

Remember that moment when you were little and found a person's wallet. It had a $20 bill in it. You took it to the principal's office. The owner was found and so happy that they gave you $10 back. Then, you both had a great day because of it. Okay, I don't remember that happening to me either. But, I'm sure it has happened to somebody. I know I've done similar things though and they have worked out for the benefit of both people involved.

Well, that's what this ideal marriage is supposed to be like. You find out your spouse has lost his wallet. You first feel like yelling at your spouse for being so irresponsible (I mean the credit cards to your own bank account were in that wallet after all). Then, you remember a time when you left your keys in the car of a busy parking lot. You calm down and don't say anything just then. You look and look and look for the lost wallet, maybe it'll be easy to find. Meanwhile you get ready to cancel the credit cards if you can't find it quickly. Then, you find the wallet in the fridge behind the lettuce. So, do you take advantage and rub it in that your spouse is always losing things and you're always finding them. Or do you take the higher road and hand it to them with a smile. Well, you remember those keys left in the car again, and you smile when you hand it to them. Everybody is happy. The day goes on, you don't have to call the bank. The best part you kept your cool, so there's no hard feelings. 

Imagine if every confrontation was handled with the other person's needs in mind. Marriage could be blissful.

Start small today. When your spouse does the next thing you don't like, or when your about to do something your spouse hates - think twice, save a marriage. Be the companion your spouse want and needs you to be. 

Abuse

Some men who are evidently unable to gain respect by the goodness of their lives use as justification for their actions the statement that Eve was told that Adam should rule over her. How much sadness, how much tragedy, how much heartbreak has been caused through centuries of time by weak men who have used that as a scriptural warrant for atrocious behavior! They do not recognize that the same account indicates that Eve was given as a helpmeet to Adam. The facts are that they stood side by side in the garden. They were expelled from the garden together, and they worked together side by side in gaining their bread by the sweat of their brows. ---

President Gordon B Hinckley