Fighting vs Discussing

Fighting in marriage leads to a couple growing further apart and resisting each other. Fighting does NOT usually resolve the issue at hand. Discussing in marriage, if done sensitively, can bring the couple closer together AND solve the problem they are facing.

For example, Ryan and I used to completely disagree on camping. Whenever we even thought about camping, we'd get upset. We were coming from opposing ideas on every aspect of camping. So, our discussions about camping sometimes turned to fights. The successful conversations about camping included a few key elements.

 First, express love for each other. "You are worth it. I love you. I want to be with you, even if it means camping together".

 Second, discuss the importance of the issue. "Camping could be a really great thing for us and our family. It is worth trying to figure out a compromise, so that we can enjoy this activity together".

Third, several short discussions are key. We had tons of short discussions, where we'd just cover one aspect of camping. We'd reach a conclusion or not and end before we got upset. "My favorite part of camping is using a campfire". "I want to spend lots of time around the campfire too." "Great we'll buy wood next trip". "Let's start thinking of food to cook over the campfire". That's it, short and sweet. Another discussion can add more details. If you've spent a little while on a conversation and didn't get anywhere, don't worry just say, "let's talk about this later. Not never, just later". Schedule the conversation if you need to.

Walt and Lillian Disney

Walt and Lilly (image credit: [3])

The more I learn about Walt and Lillian Disney's marriage, the more I like it. They met at work, where she was a secretary. Walt would drive the girls home and drop Lilly off last, even though she lived the closest. They married in an episcopal church and had two daughters.

During her marriage, Mrs. Disney served as her husband's sounding board and unofficial adviser. By all accounts he would discuss his ideas -- from Snow White to the creation of Disneyland -- with Lilly and sought her approval. On a train ride from New York City to Los Angeles, after a serious business setback, Mr. Disney came up with a new character: Mortimer Mouse. ''Not Mortimer,'' said his wife. ''It's too formal. How about Mickey?" [1]. We know how helpful that discussion was!

In the 1990s Lilly reflected on her 41-year marriage to Walt as she said, "We shared a wonderful, exciting life, and we loved every minute of it. He was a wonderful husband to me, and wonderful and joyful father and grandfather" [2]. Walt had named many of his favorite Disneyland trains after Lilly.

Their cute marriage, in particular the part about being a sounding board got me thinking about how to be a good "soundboard" for my husband, so when he creates "Mortimer" I can help him to see that it can be "Mickey". But, how? My husband has his PhD in computer databases and I've never taken a computer class since my junior high school typing class. So, how do we talk? Well mostly we talk about other things. He has definitely used me as a sounding board many times for his great computer ideas. Sometimes I just think about something else and let him talk- it's really a nice way to fall asleep. :) Other times, I'm a better sounding board and I listen for terms that are familiar to me (I've developed quite a vocabulary of computer terms).  Ideally I would be interested when he talks about computers and try to figure out ways to participate and add my "Mickey" advice. It worked for Walt and Lilly, maybe it can work for us too.

Do you have "Mickey" moments in your marriage when you're being a sounding board and you help your spouse create something great? Or do you miss "Mickey" moments when you put on your glazed eye look and start thinking about something else when your spouse talks?