Fighting vs Discussing

Fighting in marriage leads to a couple growing further apart and resisting each other. Fighting does NOT usually resolve the issue at hand. Discussing in marriage, if done sensitively, can bring the couple closer together AND solve the problem they are facing.

For example, Ryan and I used to completely disagree on camping. Whenever we even thought about camping, we'd get upset. We were coming from opposing ideas on every aspect of camping. So, our discussions about camping sometimes turned to fights. The successful conversations about camping included a few key elements.

 First, express love for each other. "You are worth it. I love you. I want to be with you, even if it means camping together".

 Second, discuss the importance of the issue. "Camping could be a really great thing for us and our family. It is worth trying to figure out a compromise, so that we can enjoy this activity together".

Third, several short discussions are key. We had tons of short discussions, where we'd just cover one aspect of camping. We'd reach a conclusion or not and end before we got upset. "My favorite part of camping is using a campfire". "I want to spend lots of time around the campfire too." "Great we'll buy wood next trip". "Let's start thinking of food to cook over the campfire". That's it, short and sweet. Another discussion can add more details. If you've spent a little while on a conversation and didn't get anywhere, don't worry just say, "let's talk about this later. Not never, just later". Schedule the conversation if you need to.

Marriages of the Leaders of the LDS Church

Marriages of LDS Church Leaders
Here's some fun little stories about church leaders falling in love and meeting their spouses.

“I saw her first in Primary,” President Hinckley says with a laugh. “She gave a reading. I don’t know what it did to me, but I never forgot it. Then she grew older into a beautiful young woman, and I had the good sense to marry her.”

After that sunrise service, he saw a young woman coming out of a grove of trees. Not only was he struck by her beauty, but at that moment the words of President David O. McKay came to his mind: “If you meet a girl in whose presence you feel a desire … to do your best, … such a young woman is worthy of your love” (Gospel Ideals, Salt Lake City: Improvement Era, 1953, p. 459). “That was exactly how I felt as I saw Kathleen for the first time,” says Elder Eyring.

While trying to win over Harriet’s heart, Dieter F. Uchtdorf would frequently ride his bike to her house, hoping to give her a ride to a church function. She was usually unavailable, but Harriet’s mother would take the ride instead. “Actually, looking back,” he says, “I recognize that it doesn’t hurt at all to be on good terms with the mother of the girl of your dreams.”

Do Moms get a Day of Rest?

Sabbath for Mom - article link

The article in the link above is awesome. You've gotta read it. It encourages the dads to help more on Sunday. If you're a mom going through the first years of parenting, church and Sunday are as exhausting as any other day. It's just how it is. Hopefully the husband and wife can work out a routine that makes things smoother, but it'll require work from both parents. For, example, I can't even remember the last Mother's Day(Sunday) when I didn't have to change a baby's diaper. It's just how it is. There's a lot to be done.

That being said, Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy has been my favorite commandment for probably 13 years. When Ryan was going through school, it was easy for him to put in 60 to 80 hour work weeks (including studying and working). He was able to do all that in 6 days a week. The 7th day became the family day. On Sundays he would take the kids out during sacrament meeting when they screamed. That doesn't necessarily mean I heard much of sacrament meeting, because with multiple kids somebody always needs help. The gesture was needed and kind though. On Sundays he'd also take our baby to Elder's Quorum (the men's meeting). That left me free to teach primary.

He'd often cook dinner or lunch after church like I mentioned here.The times he had to stay after church for a calling, we often decided to stay too. I wasn't excited to go home and take care of the kids there by myself like any other day. So, I'd let the kids play in the nursery after church while we waited for him. I didn't get the day off, but it helped relax the heavy load that little kids bring for a mom.  Sunday was definitely a break from the routine.

If you do have a heavy load on Sundays because of  young children, just remember they grow up. Just for reference, I probably take my two year old out of sacrament meeting and into the hall about once or twice per meeting. The 5 year old only has to go out about once per year. The 8, 10 and 12 year olds sit through the meeting and even learn things.

Very Married

Seriously, "Be very married".  That's romantic.
I think it means: be intensely loyal and loving to your spouse.
Of course they have to be loyal and loving to you too :)
Time to "be very married".

Why do couples talk?

In his book, Mars and Venus in Touch, Dr. John Gray observes that men and women talk about their problems for very different reasons, and at different stages of the problem's lifetime.

The man generally prefers to avoid talking about a problem until he feels ready to confront and put an end to it; if he brought it up in conversation, "he would have to address himself to solving [it]."

The woman, on the other hand, will not feel ready to confront a problem until she has talked about it, perhaps at length. She wants to "articulate her problems," "in a nonlinear, unedited way," "so she can set them aside."

Their very different reasons for discussing problems can cause friction between couples if each does not understand why the other is talking. Fortunately, Dr. Gray points out, the solution is simple:

He should recognize that she talks about her problems because she is not yet ready to confront them, and so he should avoid looking for solutions she is not ready to hear. Instead, he should simply listen actively to encourage her to talk all the way through the issues.

She should recognize that he does not talk about his problems because he is not yet ready to confront them, If she makes him talk too soon, he won't have solutions and that will be frustrating to him. and so she should not require him to look for solutions he is not ready to find. Instead, she should simply talk in her nonlinear, unedited way to encourage him to see a way through the issues.

Who wants to try talking to their spouse this week with this new method? Who knows maybe it'll work for you.

Walt and Lillian Disney

Walt and Lilly (image credit: [3])

The more I learn about Walt and Lillian Disney's marriage, the more I like it. They met at work, where she was a secretary. Walt would drive the girls home and drop Lilly off last, even though she lived the closest. They married in an episcopal church and had two daughters.

During her marriage, Mrs. Disney served as her husband's sounding board and unofficial adviser. By all accounts he would discuss his ideas -- from Snow White to the creation of Disneyland -- with Lilly and sought her approval. On a train ride from New York City to Los Angeles, after a serious business setback, Mr. Disney came up with a new character: Mortimer Mouse. ''Not Mortimer,'' said his wife. ''It's too formal. How about Mickey?" [1]. We know how helpful that discussion was!

In the 1990s Lilly reflected on her 41-year marriage to Walt as she said, "We shared a wonderful, exciting life, and we loved every minute of it. He was a wonderful husband to me, and wonderful and joyful father and grandfather" [2]. Walt had named many of his favorite Disneyland trains after Lilly.

Their cute marriage, in particular the part about being a sounding board got me thinking about how to be a good "soundboard" for my husband, so when he creates "Mortimer" I can help him to see that it can be "Mickey". But, how? My husband has his PhD in computer databases and I've never taken a computer class since my junior high school typing class. So, how do we talk? Well mostly we talk about other things. He has definitely used me as a sounding board many times for his great computer ideas. Sometimes I just think about something else and let him talk- it's really a nice way to fall asleep. :) Other times, I'm a better sounding board and I listen for terms that are familiar to me (I've developed quite a vocabulary of computer terms).  Ideally I would be interested when he talks about computers and try to figure out ways to participate and add my "Mickey" advice. It worked for Walt and Lilly, maybe it can work for us too.

Do you have "Mickey" moments in your marriage when you're being a sounding board and you help your spouse create something great? Or do you miss "Mickey" moments when you put on your glazed eye look and start thinking about something else when your spouse talks?

Longtime Married Love

And if you suppose that the full-blown rapture of young romantic love is the sum total of the possibilities which spring from the fountains of life, you have not yet lived to see the devotion and the comfort of longtime married love - Boyd K Packard

I'd say, when young romantic love begins to fizzle out of your marriage, stick with your partner because the best is yet to be.