Why do couples talk?

In his book, Mars and Venus in Touch, Dr. John Gray observes that men and women talk about their problems for very different reasons, and at different stages of the problem's lifetime.

The man generally prefers to avoid talking about a problem until he feels ready to confront and put an end to it; if he brought it up in conversation, "he would have to address himself to solving [it]."

The woman, on the other hand, will not feel ready to confront a problem until she has talked about it, perhaps at length. She wants to "articulate her problems," "in a nonlinear, unedited way," "so she can set them aside."

Their very different reasons for discussing problems can cause friction between couples if each does not understand why the other is talking. Fortunately, Dr. Gray points out, the solution is simple:

He should recognize that she talks about her problems because she is not yet ready to confront them, and so he should avoid looking for solutions she is not ready to hear. Instead, he should simply listen actively to encourage her to talk all the way through the issues.

She should recognize that he does not talk about his problems because he is not yet ready to confront them, If she makes him talk too soon, he won't have solutions and that will be frustrating to him. and so she should not require him to look for solutions he is not ready to find. Instead, she should simply talk in her nonlinear, unedited way to encourage him to see a way through the issues.

Who wants to try talking to their spouse this week with this new method? Who knows maybe it'll work for you.

Mark Twain's marriage

Samuel Clemens, also known as Mark Twain, was known for his strong opinions and his willingness to state them bluntly. He was a prolific writer of scathing letters and editorials, attacking both real and perceived insults and injustices with his famously sharp wit.

I once read that Twain's wife was in charge of the mail, and that she quietly discarded most of those angry letters on the way to the post office. Whether that was true or not, we do know he eventually came to appreciate the value of the unsent angry letter for himself, and the "unallowable frankness & freedom" it offered.

An old poem states:

Boys flying kites haul in their white winged birds;
You can’t do that way when you’re flying words.
“Careful with fire,” is good advice we know
“Careful with words,” is ten times doubly so.
Thoughts unexpressed may sometimes fall back dead;
But God Himself can’t kill them [once] they’re said.
        Will Carleton—The First Settler’s Story. St. 21.

Going Through Rough Times

Before we got married, we were studying at Brigham Young University. I always had lots of roommates to talk to about everything. I loved staying up late talking with them. When I was engaged to marry Ryan I thought late night talks were a thing I'd have to give up. I just couldn't imagine Ryan being into that. Perhaps I couldn't imagine it, because we were required by the school to keep a sort of curfew! We talked a lot on our dates, but I just thought it would be different. After we got married I was very pleasantly surprised by our first fun late night talk. Now we continue to talk regularly in the evenings after the kids go to bed.

Recently I went through some incredibly difficult things that I can't talk about yet. It was a critical time for me, so it was a critical time for our marriage. Lots of late night talks with Ryan helped get me through the hard times. I called him my psychologist. I love that we can talk together. Big problems that one partner is having can bring a couple closer together or further apart. For us, it brought us closer together thanks to talking everything out. Good communication is vital for marriages.