Young and Married

So many couples are getting married in their 30s, if at all. We think you're missing out. When a couple gets married young, they have more of a chance to shape each other into a compatible pair. We married at 20 and 22 years old. Now, we look back and see how as we develop and change, we naturally change in ways that are compatible for both of us. In a very real way, we've grown to become each others' ideal partner. If we had just met now (over ten years later), there's no way we could have just chosen on our own to be such a duo. We would have been more set in our ways. It would have been harder to live as an intertwined pair.

Pray together

 

Photo Courtesy of: AProverbsWife.com

 3 Serious Benefits to Praying Together Everyday

1) You are speaking with and seeking council from the All-Knowing God who loves you

2) You can learn what each other is concerned about or thankful for

3) It's really hard to stay mad at each other when you're praying together

Channeling attraction

The other night, Leah casually asked me if I am ever attracted to other women, and---if so---how I deal with it.

Yikes.

She explained that she'd been reading a marriage book that claimed men are basically hardwired to notice and be automatically attracted to beautiful women, and that men with healthy/successful marriages do not try to squash all such feelings (which would be futile). Instead, they have learned to redirect that instinctive attraction and passion towards their wife, thus maintaining a state of mental monogamy while preserving the ability to be passionate. She wondered if that was true in my experience.

After a bit of thought, I replied that it actually seemed about right. Even before we married, I had noticed that my eyes and thoughts were automatically drawn toward attractive women I crossed paths with---even though I was 100% satisfied with Ryan+Leah and not the least bit "on the market." The whole thing bothered me for a long time after we married, but eventually an internal dialogue arose and became almost automatic: Notice attractive face in the crowd, realize "but it's not Leah," remember all the reasons I married Leah (and recognize that they all still hold), and end up looking forward to seeing Leah again instead of thinking about whoever it was. 

Judging by Leah's reaction, I had answered well. Tears. Big hug. Marriage saved.

Really, though, it sounds like that early observation had already saved our marriage (or at least strengthened it) plenty of times already without me realizing it. So I guess it's good that Leah's question forced me to connect the dots... and that we trust each other enough to even be able to have a conversation like that!

All this actually reminds me of a scene from the movie "Hook," where a now-grown Peter Pan returns to Never Land to rescue his children after Captain Hook kidnaps them. As time passes, Peter regains his lost childhood memories and begins to slip back into them, forgetting his life outside Never Land. The fairy Tinker Bell, who has always loved Peter, tries to reignite their past relationship and he starts to fall in love with her. As they hold hands during an especially romantic moment, he begins to say "I love..." but then hesitates before finishing, "I love... Moira!" [his wife]. Peter's memories of love and loyalty to his wife flood back to him, and he gently but firmly renounces Tinker Bell.

Image courtesy of http://www.disneyclips.com

The importance of touch

Too many couples overlook the power of touch in building and maintaining a close relationship. We're talking about the little things here: holding hands while walking, shoulder or foot rubs after a long day, hugs on the way out the door, a caress to go with that "I love you."

In his book, Twelve traps in today's marriage---and how to avoid them, marriage counselor Dr. Brent Barlow states:

If I could encourage married couples to do just one thing to maintain or improve their relationships, I think I would suggest developing the skill of touch. Touch is one of the most significant forms of communication we have... [and] the absence of touch often communicates disinterest or lack of caring. Many studies have observed that young infants in institutions can actually die from lack of touch. The phenomenon is known as marasmus. As adults, touching continues to be a primary means of communicating with those we love, whether we are conscious of it or not. Our need for caring touch is normal and healthy, and we will never outgrow it.

His conclusion: "marital marasmus can be deadly." 

(photos courtesy of lds.org)

Mark Twain's marriage

Samuel Clemens, also known as Mark Twain, was known for his strong opinions and his willingness to state them bluntly. He was a prolific writer of scathing letters and editorials, attacking both real and perceived insults and injustices with his famously sharp wit.

I once read that Twain's wife was in charge of the mail, and that she quietly discarded most of those angry letters on the way to the post office. Whether that was true or not, we do know he eventually came to appreciate the value of the unsent angry letter for himself, and the "unallowable frankness & freedom" it offered.

An old poem states:

Boys flying kites haul in their white winged birds;
You can’t do that way when you’re flying words.
“Careful with fire,” is good advice we know
“Careful with words,” is ten times doubly so.
Thoughts unexpressed may sometimes fall back dead;
But God Himself can’t kill them [once] they’re said.
        Will Carleton—The First Settler’s Story. St. 21.

Don't Go to Bed Angry at Each Other

In respect to marriage,"It's not if you'll get hurt, it's when you'll get hurt." The loving relationship that comes from marriage makes the hurts worth it. It's going to happen; you're two imperfect people spending a lot of time together, coming from totally different backgrounds and families, having good and bad days; you're going to hurt each other. So, I love the advice:
"Don't go to bed angry at each other".
We heard this before we got married and we've tried to stick to it. It helps to be able to start the next day fresh. Even if you can't solve your problem the same day, at least you can agree to disagree, or agree to talk about it later, before going to bed.

image from furniture clipart

Traditions

When does your family open Christmas presents?

There are so many traditions surrounding Christmas. Which ones do you keep when you get married? I doubt it's possible for you and your spouse to have completely compatible traditions.

Recently Ryan and I read "Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and how to avoid them" by Brent A Barlow. We weren't expecting much from this book; but it turns out it was actually really helpful. Dr. Barlow chose twelve common traps in marriage and what to do about them. One was "tradition". He specifically mentioned the problem he and his wife had with deciding when to open Christmas presents - Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. The tradition trap is when we insist that our marriage be exactly as our parents, friends, or relatives have it---or insisting that our marriage be as marriages of the past.

Solution: Examine your traditions. Decide which ones you want to keep, which ones you will discard, and which new ones you're going to make together. At least that's what works for us. We've done a lot of that over the years. There are plenty of traditions that we each had growing up, including some that we cherished, but that just don't work for our own family. Those traditions have to be let go of in a tender way.